Nothing too superb.

So, I guess ill just blurt it out, since I can't stomach rationalizing it anymore. I binged, and gained, then felt bad about gaining, and binged some more.. and it became a vicious cycle that brought me back to 115. It's sickening. But i still have not self injured. Which is really a shocker, given the circumstances. I came really fucking close to taking a lighter and adding some more smilies to my sad ass body, but music saved me. Idk. It sucks, life sucks, I hate food, end of story. Needless to say, I'm back to fasting again.. as destructive as it is for my body, it feels good to have some form of control over my life. I also hit the gym pretty hard today.. so for today I am negative 592 calories, which is relieving. I also downloaded this app for my phone which calculates your intake and output for you.. as well as recognizes what you consume by the barcode on the package. I'm sure its not 100% accurate.. but it fershure makes my life easier.

Me and the boy are pretty much back to normal. I've decided to stop harping on him about everything I'm insecure about. Yes, he broke my trust once, for sure. And that really sucked and everything.. but he apologized, I forgave.. and now I realize that it is time to for us to move forward amicably. I have been nothing but sugar sweet to him for the past few days.. and he is still a little uneasy, but i know he'll come around. He has to.. he loves me. =]

Well that's all for today loves..

<3K

Why can't you just try a little harder?

..this is something I have been asking myself lately, this is something I've been asking of pretty much everyone in my life lately. It's funny because I don't have an answer.. which means they prolly don't either. Fuck.

Thursdays are my enemy. I'm afraid of thursdays. I never want Wednesday's to end.. and Friday's never come soon enough. Why is this, you ask? Because Thursday is the day I spend at home alone.. just me, and my fridge. Nothing to distract myself with.. nothing to stop me from binging my little heart out.
Yesterday night I managed to binge over 3,000 calories within 4 hours. I ate until my stomach was about to burts, then I was forced to get everything out of me, violently. Fuck I hate Thursday's.

Now back to the subject matter. What i wish I could just try a little harder at.. has got to be obvious. I wish i could try harder at losing weight.. being healthy, quit doing drugs, stop mutilating myself, stop freaking out on everyone around me for no goddam real reason, and be at peace. Easier said then done, yet who am I kidding, I don't put ANY honest effort towards these things. I just starve and bitch, rinse, repeat. As for everyone else.. I'm pretty sure they are sick of me.. therefore why the FUCK would they bother trying at anything they do which might affect me in a positive manner. Idk. I guess if I don't have any self worth, then why would they think I was worth anything. I don't blame them.

I just need like, the worlds biggest hug right now. =[

Fuck it. Goodnight.

<3K