posed and drenched

..I'm not exactly in the mood for a lengthy update. The last two were pretty thorough, so imma cut myself some slack tonight and just touch on the basics of my rainy ass Monday. Well regardless of the fact that the boyfrann is a lying little liar.. I've been trying to overlook it today and have been focusing on all the wonderful ways he treats me, and how I am lucky to have him for my own. I mean everyone has their faults.. and let's face it.. honesty is not a quality most men have.. and i cant crucify him for his lacking when there are so many things about him that make him one of the best persons that has ever come into my life. 'nuffs said, I'm over it. For now.

As for the brick wall I have been hitting with my weight. I crumbled that piece of shit barrier today. wo0t!! ::does victory dance:: I am officially 110.2 today. In your face, stupid scale! Okay, okay, I know its only..  .8, but its still a hurdle that I've been working on for almost a week. Now the next challenge is hanging onto that number and not binge. Which is another thing I've been really proud of, I haven't binged in a week and a half. This is definitely the longest I have gone in quite a while.

So let's recap:

-hit a goal weight marker.
-haven't binged in record days.
-haven't self injured in a month and a half.

I'd say, aside from the drug usage and smoking, I've been kicking some goal ass! .and I'm kinda proud of my self. My stomach doesn't enrage me so much lately either. I haven't been bloated in a while.. god I fucking hate how my period and binging makes my gut expand. =\ but I'm not thinking about that today. Today is a positive day. Well, kinda. Haha.

So is was outside today working on my poses through yoga and runway today to try and prepare myself for the photoshoot.. and for slate modeling, and I was kind of meditating, or at least reeaaallyyy stuck in my head because when I finally opened my eyes and came back to reality it was fucking pouring rain hella bad. It was a weird experience.

Well i tried not to ramble too much tonight.. or this morning, or whatever. Stay focused loves.

<3K

nothing ever changes.

..haven't been here in a few days, guess i just didn't have anything good to report. Infact, the past few days have been pretty fukn lame to be precise. Let's see, my intermittent fasting has been going well.. except for the fact that it doesn't make me lose any goddam weight x[  ...It just keeps me at a solid awful unmoving peice of shit weight.. and I don't want to do it anymore.. but its better than not doing anything at all.. however on the upside I have forgotten what hungry feels like. So hopefully it will keep me prepared for my fast in a week or so. But until then... I'll prolly just lay around feeling awful or something.

I did start yoga yesterday though, I want my flexibility back. Ecstasy has seriously hindered my limbs. My joints crack, my muscle have no elasticity to them any more.. and my motor skills aren't at all what they used to be.. Ho hum, I shall never be a talented rapper. -_-

Either way, drugs have wrecked me.. and i gotta start fixing this shit before its too late. (Oh the irony, I'm pretty fukn high right now actually.)

Anyway.. on a different note which has nothing to do with my body in any sense or fashion.. it has come to my attention my boyfriend is a liar. He is no different than any other creature with a penis and
I was a fool to think otherwise. He lied to me a couple weeks ago about doing cocaine behind my back.. as if I wasn't a hardcore drug addict who wouldn't notice. And last night he came home two and a half hours late with some BULLSHIT story about getting pulled over and having to call his cop uncle to get him out of the ticket.. blahdiddy blah fucking blah.  ..its called "call history" love, and yours says yer a fukn liar.

It's really sucks, because I didn't want to have to go through B's phone to see if he was lying (cause we all know once the phone peepin starts, its a back and fourth game that never ends) but I felt like I had no other option.. and i knew exactly what I was looking for, so its not like i was just going through it to be nosey or to just find some reason to be pissed. I just wanted the truth, because its obvious that I'm not getting it from him. Regardless, I got my answer.. he still didn't come clean, and th results are in...

ALL GUYS ARE EXACTLY THE SAME.

so fuck it. I'm done searching for a resolution.. the apathy is setting in now.. and unless he changes, it will eat its way through our relationship.

But enough depressing ass noise. I talked to PCBB today for a good two hours today and finally did some catching up with him. We've been fighting on and off since the beginning of February and it was just a much needed heart to heart. His divorce has really had an affect on him, good and bad. It just crazy, its changed him so much.. and sometimes I'm not sure where the room for our friendship is disappearing to. But i guess that's just how life goes.

Idk. I just can't seem to get my head in the right place.. and I don't forsee it getting better any time soon.

Hope days are brighter for you though.

<3K

failure is my middle name.

..well today started off pretty decent, I skyped my bestie around four am... And we had a log convo about everything going on in our lives. I miss her terribly all of the time.. a huge part of me will never forgive myself for leaving her back in California. It caused such a huge deviation in our life paths, and I doubt ill ever get over it. All I can do is hope it was for the best I guess and try and stay as close as I can with her. Our relationship has always been close though.. I mean fuck man, she lived with me from the time I was sixteen until I left her when I was twenty.. weve been best friends, lovers, and so much more.. she's my soulmate.. and I'm sure of this. I guess what I'm trying to say is, I miss her HELLUHH. Haha.<3

But after we talked I felt way better about life and went back out in the living room and socialized with J, T, and the boyfrann. We hung out till about seven am. They drank and smoked and I kinda just melted on the couch high off methadone until we finally crashed. Me and the boyfran B went in the bedroom and started fooling around.

------this is a censor free blog, and I'm about to touch on a pretty graphic subject, so if your not interested, go ahead and skip to the next paragraph below the following one-----  

Anyways, we started fooling around and i started giving him dome shots.. we didn't want to be too loud so he stopped me and began masturbating, we had no condoms, and I'm totally against unsafe sex because I don't want children, EVARRR, and neither of us have been tested.. so we just don't do it without protection.. lucky for him I'm kinda kinky and like when he gets off on my chest.. so that is usually our plan B, we just both get ourselves off.. and that's satisfying enough. The only problem is.. lately B has been having a problem getting it up.. like he will work himself for a half hour and still won't be hard.. and what am I doing during all this? ..mostly laying there and inside my head getting really frustrated. Idunno.. if I thought it were an erectile dysfunction I wouldn't be so annoyed.. id just be more supportive and try harder to get him going, like any good girlfriend should. But I don't. I caught him doing coke behind my back.. and when i confronted him about it he lied.. lied.. and lied some more, until i had undeniable proof. I used to be a coke head. I know the signs. My ex did hella blow.. he couldn't get it up either. Therefore, it fucking pisses me off. He has said that he has stopped.. and he bas been eating and sleeping regularly again, and for the past few weeks we haven't had a problem in bed. Except for last night. Ughhh. But then again he was reaalllly drunk. So maybe it was just whiskey dick?? ..Idk. but I guess we will just see how things pan out tonight.  ..and that's where I am at with that.

But we ended up going to sleep finally around 8. Which was a couple hours late for us.. but we still crashed none the less. J ended up waking me up around 1 so he could work on my tattoo, which came out AMAZING btw. We finished at about 6, and B and T woke up around then to.

Sooo, this is where everything went down hill. Found out midevil times upped their prices to about sixty bucks a head, and no longer offer all the alcohol you can drink.. so everyone decides to go somewhere else. fml. We ended up going to Texas de brazil. Which, if you've never been there is like NON-stop food being shoved on yer plate. Filets, ribs, lamb, sushi, bisques ..just all this food is being put on your plate by these sexy Brazilian men.. and up until this point I was on the fourth day of my fast and going strong. Until i found out this place is 50$ for your plate for the evening. FAAAAKKKK. Yeh so pretty much I am forced to eat, because I'm sure as hell not gonna pay fifty bucks to just pretend to fucking eat and not even get a jousting show out of it. Fuck that noise. So I failed. I ended my fast NOT with fruit like I should have, but with hearty ass Brazilian food instead. So once again. This fast is for nothing.

And what am I going to solve this problem? In order to not srsly fuck up my metabolism from the past two failed fasts I did in under two weeks (failed bc they werent ended properly) ..I am going to switch to intermittent fasting for two weaks before I try another water fast. Each normal day will be under 500 though, because I don't want to stop progress at all. Some how through all this I still lost four pounds though and am down to one eleven. Though im sure i will be back up two or three lbs. in the morning, once all this heavy food settles in me. =\  god it feels so awful. I feel so terrible about myself. I just want to crawl into a hole and punish myself for this. I haven't self injured in about a month, and i don't want to start counting all over again.. so I'm going to try and get through these emotions by thinking about tomorrow and not breaking out the blades. So keep me in yer thoughts and send yer good vibes my way pleeeaassee.

Now if you're still with me, thank you. Your support is what gets me through these kind of days.

<3K

closed lips, clenched fist.

..I always hate the third day of my fasts.. its the worst for physical pain. The first day is emotionally tasking, yes.. but the third day is almost unbearable.. my stomach is in knots, my limbs begin cramping uncontrollably, and my head is pounding. I feel like someone is stabbing me in my left temple repeatedly. Needless to say, it fucking sucks. I can't wait till tomorrow.. the first half of the day will be overwhelming lethargy.. and after a few cat naps.. the energetic mood will kick in, followed by complete bliss.. its I high I couldn't possibly explain with words. It's wonderful.

Today was a good day. I cuddled with my boyfriend practically all day. I love him something fierce. He's the best thing to come out of New York. Haha. That's where we met. I was living there for a couple years.. and when i finally got out of an abusive relationship I was in, we started hanging out.. and well, never stopped. But me and him left that frigid ass state a while back, traded it in for some palm trees and never looked back. But yeah, he's my world.. nothing less, possibly more.

Gawd, tomorrow's gunna be so badass. I have a 6 hour tattoo session scheduled, and then a double date to midevil times tomorrow night. The place is perfect for "eating" ..low lighting.. and countless distractions. This is very important to make it to the fifth day.. since the boyfran starts to notice after the third.. and starts threatening doctor visits on the fourth. I'm feeling great about things.

I hope all of you lovelies are staying on track too. We'll get through this together.

<3K

faster and faster and faster.

..whelp, day two of my fast is going along well. Aside from my mental break down last night. The first day always seems to be the most emotional one for me.. I just pitty those subjected to my presence yesterday.. especially my poor boyfriend. I think at one point I was yelling about how i wasn't mad at him, but that i loved him immensely.. and he couldn't understand how i was capable of making those words sound so hateful with the tones in my voice..

But on a side note.. I officially have two photohoots scheduled for the month of May. I'm really excited too, because now I actually have a reason to lose weight other than my own self destructiveness. It's relieving tho because i haven't been on a set since November.. and its been really bugging me. I know a part of the reason I have been out of work has to do with me relocating several states away from my regular jobs.. but hopefully I can get some work thru this new agency I want to sign with.. smehh.

Well I think I'm gunna make this post short and sweet.. and hopefully ill have something good to report after my fast ends. Keep your fingers crossed for me.

<3K

drug independence.. or lack there of.

..well today was another bust. I was looking foward to being completely empty today, with the aid of some methadone I was going to aquire from a coworker today.. I was terribly excited to have a productive negative calorie day and indulge in opiate assisted bliss. However when I got to work today I saw that my coworker had the day off and neglected to tell me.. weaaaak. I immediately was put in a shit mood and texted him to see if he would bring it to me anyways, no success. So.. hunger came.. and i avoided food successfully until about 1am when i was offered boneless buffalo wings. Buffalo sauce is my god damn weakness. I had three and then the bartender made me a mudslide with out asking if i wanted it (my boyfriend is employed at a bar, which I frequent whilst waiting for him to end his shift.. so all his coworkers are quite familiar with me.. so this act was nothing super strange.) , thus I was obligated to indulge. I know it doesn't sound like a lot for a person to consume in one day, however I just came off an intense fast which officially ended thursday night, so my body is most likely in super storage mode and is now clinging to every bit of fat I put inside me. I can feel it. I hate it. It frustrated me to have failed so badly two days in a row.. or for the past 24 hours, if you will. I wish I had better restraint and politely took the drink but discarded it secretly, or lied to the person offering me chicken wings.. I should have told them I already ate and was super full, but I am fucking weak. Idk. I just want today to be over. I want my goddam drugs.

My struggles with drug abuse have been around for the past 8 years. I have been addicted to cough medicine, ecstasy, hallucinogens, cocaine, vicodin, percocet, and now methadone. I tend to find something to fixate on for a year or two, decide that my dependence is no longer acceptable and find a substitute for it and become addicted to that instead. Rinse repeat, rinse repeat, rinse repeat.

Its not that i am oblivious to my unhealthy life style. I am not stupid. I know what i am doing is bad for me. It just simply that.. well, frankly.. I don't give a fuck. I haths not fucks to give. Judgements aside.. I do what makes me happy, what makes me feel good.. and the only person I may be hurting is myself.. and that's only physically. My life is pretty much in order otherwise. I have a job, a house, a happy relationship, and most of the material possessions that i want.  ..fuck I don't know why I'm justifying myself, maybe I just want you to understand exactly how I feel about things.

Either way, two bad days in a row.. let's see what tomorrow brings me.

<3K

so, this is me now.

..I suppose I should start by introducing myself. I am k. A 23 year old American. I enjoy painting, drawing, making music, listening to music, modeling, dancing, and well looking at anything aesthetically pleasing, to be honest ...and the most obvious part of me that will be discussed in this blog, I am food and weight obsessive. I am currently 5'3 and weigh in at an average of 115 lbs, my goal weight is 100 for now. I would prefer a bmi of no more than 17.8 and will not rest easy until I am there. I guess I decided to start this blog today because I am feeling overly guilty about what I consumed today and don't want to purge, its just not my thing, I'm not good at it, and it hurts like hell compared to fasting. Today was unusually off for me and I'm feeling even worse about it because i just came off a three day detox water fast, and after all that effort I put onto flushing my body, I ruined it all with the crappy I ate today. But there is nothing I can do about it now, but start over again tomorrow. <3K