nothing ever changes.

..haven't been here in a few days, guess i just didn't have anything good to report. Infact, the past few days have been pretty fukn lame to be precise. Let's see, my intermittent fasting has been going well.. except for the fact that it doesn't make me lose any goddam weight x[  ...It just keeps me at a solid awful unmoving peice of shit weight.. and I don't want to do it anymore.. but its better than not doing anything at all.. however on the upside I have forgotten what hungry feels like. So hopefully it will keep me prepared for my fast in a week or so. But until then... I'll prolly just lay around feeling awful or something.

I did start yoga yesterday though, I want my flexibility back. Ecstasy has seriously hindered my limbs. My joints crack, my muscle have no elasticity to them any more.. and my motor skills aren't at all what they used to be.. Ho hum, I shall never be a talented rapper. -_-

Either way, drugs have wrecked me.. and i gotta start fixing this shit before its too late. (Oh the irony, I'm pretty fukn high right now actually.)

Anyway.. on a different note which has nothing to do with my body in any sense or fashion.. it has come to my attention my boyfriend is a liar. He is no different than any other creature with a penis and
I was a fool to think otherwise. He lied to me a couple weeks ago about doing cocaine behind my back.. as if I wasn't a hardcore drug addict who wouldn't notice. And last night he came home two and a half hours late with some BULLSHIT story about getting pulled over and having to call his cop uncle to get him out of the ticket.. blahdiddy blah fucking blah.  ..its called "call history" love, and yours says yer a fukn liar.

It's really sucks, because I didn't want to have to go through B's phone to see if he was lying (cause we all know once the phone peepin starts, its a back and fourth game that never ends) but I felt like I had no other option.. and i knew exactly what I was looking for, so its not like i was just going through it to be nosey or to just find some reason to be pissed. I just wanted the truth, because its obvious that I'm not getting it from him. Regardless, I got my answer.. he still didn't come clean, and th results are in...

ALL GUYS ARE EXACTLY THE SAME.

so fuck it. I'm done searching for a resolution.. the apathy is setting in now.. and unless he changes, it will eat its way through our relationship.

But enough depressing ass noise. I talked to PCBB today for a good two hours today and finally did some catching up with him. We've been fighting on and off since the beginning of February and it was just a much needed heart to heart. His divorce has really had an affect on him, good and bad. It just crazy, its changed him so much.. and sometimes I'm not sure where the room for our friendship is disappearing to. But i guess that's just how life goes.

Idk. I just can't seem to get my head in the right place.. and I don't forsee it getting better any time soon.

Hope days are brighter for you though.

<3K