..well today was another bust. I was looking foward to being completely empty today, with the aid of some methadone I was going to aquire from a coworker today.. I was terribly excited to have a productive negative calorie day and indulge in opiate assisted bliss. However when I got to work today I saw that my coworker had the day off and neglected to tell me.. weaaaak. I immediately was put in a shit mood and texted him to see if he would bring it to me anyways, no success. So.. hunger came.. and i avoided food successfully until about 1am when i was offered boneless buffalo wings. Buffalo sauce is my god damn weakness. I had three and then the bartender made me a mudslide with out asking if i wanted it (my boyfriend is employed at a bar, which I frequent whilst waiting for him to end his shift.. so all his coworkers are quite familiar with me.. so this act was nothing super strange.) , thus I was obligated to indulge. I know it doesn't sound like a lot for a person to consume in one day, however I just came off an intense fast which officially ended thursday night, so my body is most likely in super storage mode and is now clinging to every bit of fat I put inside me. I can feel it. I hate it. It frustrated me to have failed so badly two days in a row.. or for the past 24 hours, if you will. I wish I had better restraint and politely took the drink but discarded it secretly, or lied to the person offering me chicken wings.. I should have told them I already ate and was super full, but I am fucking weak. Idk. I just want today to be over. I want my goddam drugs.
My struggles with drug abuse have been around for the past 8 years. I have been addicted to cough medicine, ecstasy, hallucinogens, cocaine, vicodin, percocet, and now methadone. I tend to find something to fixate on for a year or two, decide that my dependence is no longer acceptable and find a substitute for it and become addicted to that instead. Rinse repeat, rinse repeat, rinse repeat.
Its not that i am oblivious to my unhealthy life style. I am not stupid. I know what i am doing is bad for me. It just simply that.. well, frankly.. I don't give a fuck. I haths not fucks to give. Judgements aside.. I do what makes me happy, what makes me feel good.. and the only person I may be hurting is myself.. and that's only physically. My life is pretty much in order otherwise. I have a job, a house, a happy relationship, and most of the material possessions that i want. ..fuck I don't know why I'm justifying myself, maybe I just want you to understand exactly how I feel about things.
Either way, two bad days in a row.. let's see what tomorrow brings me.
<3K
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