binge.purge.binge.purge.

Ughh. Things are not going well. Everything is a big mess.. and no one around me is the wiser.

Today was a complete fail.
I consumed half an 18" pizza and 5 garlic knots.
Purged everything.
Drank some seltzer to settle.
Ate half a ny strip, a whole package of idahoin instant potatoes and half a large can of corn.
Purged everything..
Potatoes are easy, the pizza and garlic, not so much.. why does it feel so.good.to over stuff my face and force it all out again? It sounds sick, but even the flavors make me feel better.

I think this problem is beyond repair.
I have a shoot in less than three weeks. I need to spend less time with MIA and hang out with ANA a bit more till then... But i know ill need some drugs.. my will power is awful lately, I've become terribly weak.

I had a dream about SI last night.. how come even in my dreams it feels so relieving?

<3

Nothing too superb.

So, I guess ill just blurt it out, since I can't stomach rationalizing it anymore. I binged, and gained, then felt bad about gaining, and binged some more.. and it became a vicious cycle that brought me back to 115. It's sickening. But i still have not self injured. Which is really a shocker, given the circumstances. I came really fucking close to taking a lighter and adding some more smilies to my sad ass body, but music saved me. Idk. It sucks, life sucks, I hate food, end of story. Needless to say, I'm back to fasting again.. as destructive as it is for my body, it feels good to have some form of control over my life. I also hit the gym pretty hard today.. so for today I am negative 592 calories, which is relieving. I also downloaded this app for my phone which calculates your intake and output for you.. as well as recognizes what you consume by the barcode on the package. I'm sure its not 100% accurate.. but it fershure makes my life easier.

Me and the boy are pretty much back to normal. I've decided to stop harping on him about everything I'm insecure about. Yes, he broke my trust once, for sure. And that really sucked and everything.. but he apologized, I forgave.. and now I realize that it is time to for us to move forward amicably. I have been nothing but sugar sweet to him for the past few days.. and he is still a little uneasy, but i know he'll come around. He has to.. he loves me. =]

Well that's all for today loves..

<3K

Why can't you just try a little harder?

..this is something I have been asking myself lately, this is something I've been asking of pretty much everyone in my life lately. It's funny because I don't have an answer.. which means they prolly don't either. Fuck.

Thursdays are my enemy. I'm afraid of thursdays. I never want Wednesday's to end.. and Friday's never come soon enough. Why is this, you ask? Because Thursday is the day I spend at home alone.. just me, and my fridge. Nothing to distract myself with.. nothing to stop me from binging my little heart out.
Yesterday night I managed to binge over 3,000 calories within 4 hours. I ate until my stomach was about to burts, then I was forced to get everything out of me, violently. Fuck I hate Thursday's.

Now back to the subject matter. What i wish I could just try a little harder at.. has got to be obvious. I wish i could try harder at losing weight.. being healthy, quit doing drugs, stop mutilating myself, stop freaking out on everyone around me for no goddam real reason, and be at peace. Easier said then done, yet who am I kidding, I don't put ANY honest effort towards these things. I just starve and bitch, rinse, repeat. As for everyone else.. I'm pretty sure they are sick of me.. therefore why the FUCK would they bother trying at anything they do which might affect me in a positive manner. Idk. I guess if I don't have any self worth, then why would they think I was worth anything. I don't blame them.

I just need like, the worlds biggest hug right now. =[

Fuck it. Goodnight.

<3K

posed and drenched

..I'm not exactly in the mood for a lengthy update. The last two were pretty thorough, so imma cut myself some slack tonight and just touch on the basics of my rainy ass Monday. Well regardless of the fact that the boyfrann is a lying little liar.. I've been trying to overlook it today and have been focusing on all the wonderful ways he treats me, and how I am lucky to have him for my own. I mean everyone has their faults.. and let's face it.. honesty is not a quality most men have.. and i cant crucify him for his lacking when there are so many things about him that make him one of the best persons that has ever come into my life. 'nuffs said, I'm over it. For now.

As for the brick wall I have been hitting with my weight. I crumbled that piece of shit barrier today. wo0t!! ::does victory dance:: I am officially 110.2 today. In your face, stupid scale! Okay, okay, I know its only..  .8, but its still a hurdle that I've been working on for almost a week. Now the next challenge is hanging onto that number and not binge. Which is another thing I've been really proud of, I haven't binged in a week and a half. This is definitely the longest I have gone in quite a while.

So let's recap:

-hit a goal weight marker.
-haven't binged in record days.
-haven't self injured in a month and a half.

I'd say, aside from the drug usage and smoking, I've been kicking some goal ass! .and I'm kinda proud of my self. My stomach doesn't enrage me so much lately either. I haven't been bloated in a while.. god I fucking hate how my period and binging makes my gut expand. =\ but I'm not thinking about that today. Today is a positive day. Well, kinda. Haha.

So is was outside today working on my poses through yoga and runway today to try and prepare myself for the photoshoot.. and for slate modeling, and I was kind of meditating, or at least reeaaallyyy stuck in my head because when I finally opened my eyes and came back to reality it was fucking pouring rain hella bad. It was a weird experience.

Well i tried not to ramble too much tonight.. or this morning, or whatever. Stay focused loves.

<3K

nothing ever changes.

..haven't been here in a few days, guess i just didn't have anything good to report. Infact, the past few days have been pretty fukn lame to be precise. Let's see, my intermittent fasting has been going well.. except for the fact that it doesn't make me lose any goddam weight x[  ...It just keeps me at a solid awful unmoving peice of shit weight.. and I don't want to do it anymore.. but its better than not doing anything at all.. however on the upside I have forgotten what hungry feels like. So hopefully it will keep me prepared for my fast in a week or so. But until then... I'll prolly just lay around feeling awful or something.

I did start yoga yesterday though, I want my flexibility back. Ecstasy has seriously hindered my limbs. My joints crack, my muscle have no elasticity to them any more.. and my motor skills aren't at all what they used to be.. Ho hum, I shall never be a talented rapper. -_-

Either way, drugs have wrecked me.. and i gotta start fixing this shit before its too late. (Oh the irony, I'm pretty fukn high right now actually.)

Anyway.. on a different note which has nothing to do with my body in any sense or fashion.. it has come to my attention my boyfriend is a liar. He is no different than any other creature with a penis and
I was a fool to think otherwise. He lied to me a couple weeks ago about doing cocaine behind my back.. as if I wasn't a hardcore drug addict who wouldn't notice. And last night he came home two and a half hours late with some BULLSHIT story about getting pulled over and having to call his cop uncle to get him out of the ticket.. blahdiddy blah fucking blah.  ..its called "call history" love, and yours says yer a fukn liar.

It's really sucks, because I didn't want to have to go through B's phone to see if he was lying (cause we all know once the phone peepin starts, its a back and fourth game that never ends) but I felt like I had no other option.. and i knew exactly what I was looking for, so its not like i was just going through it to be nosey or to just find some reason to be pissed. I just wanted the truth, because its obvious that I'm not getting it from him. Regardless, I got my answer.. he still didn't come clean, and th results are in...

ALL GUYS ARE EXACTLY THE SAME.

so fuck it. I'm done searching for a resolution.. the apathy is setting in now.. and unless he changes, it will eat its way through our relationship.

But enough depressing ass noise. I talked to PCBB today for a good two hours today and finally did some catching up with him. We've been fighting on and off since the beginning of February and it was just a much needed heart to heart. His divorce has really had an affect on him, good and bad. It just crazy, its changed him so much.. and sometimes I'm not sure where the room for our friendship is disappearing to. But i guess that's just how life goes.

Idk. I just can't seem to get my head in the right place.. and I don't forsee it getting better any time soon.

Hope days are brighter for you though.

<3K

failure is my middle name.

..well today started off pretty decent, I skyped my bestie around four am... And we had a log convo about everything going on in our lives. I miss her terribly all of the time.. a huge part of me will never forgive myself for leaving her back in California. It caused such a huge deviation in our life paths, and I doubt ill ever get over it. All I can do is hope it was for the best I guess and try and stay as close as I can with her. Our relationship has always been close though.. I mean fuck man, she lived with me from the time I was sixteen until I left her when I was twenty.. weve been best friends, lovers, and so much more.. she's my soulmate.. and I'm sure of this. I guess what I'm trying to say is, I miss her HELLUHH. Haha.<3

But after we talked I felt way better about life and went back out in the living room and socialized with J, T, and the boyfrann. We hung out till about seven am. They drank and smoked and I kinda just melted on the couch high off methadone until we finally crashed. Me and the boyfran B went in the bedroom and started fooling around.

------this is a censor free blog, and I'm about to touch on a pretty graphic subject, so if your not interested, go ahead and skip to the next paragraph below the following one-----  

Anyways, we started fooling around and i started giving him dome shots.. we didn't want to be too loud so he stopped me and began masturbating, we had no condoms, and I'm totally against unsafe sex because I don't want children, EVARRR, and neither of us have been tested.. so we just don't do it without protection.. lucky for him I'm kinda kinky and like when he gets off on my chest.. so that is usually our plan B, we just both get ourselves off.. and that's satisfying enough. The only problem is.. lately B has been having a problem getting it up.. like he will work himself for a half hour and still won't be hard.. and what am I doing during all this? ..mostly laying there and inside my head getting really frustrated. Idunno.. if I thought it were an erectile dysfunction I wouldn't be so annoyed.. id just be more supportive and try harder to get him going, like any good girlfriend should. But I don't. I caught him doing coke behind my back.. and when i confronted him about it he lied.. lied.. and lied some more, until i had undeniable proof. I used to be a coke head. I know the signs. My ex did hella blow.. he couldn't get it up either. Therefore, it fucking pisses me off. He has said that he has stopped.. and he bas been eating and sleeping regularly again, and for the past few weeks we haven't had a problem in bed. Except for last night. Ughhh. But then again he was reaalllly drunk. So maybe it was just whiskey dick?? ..Idk. but I guess we will just see how things pan out tonight.  ..and that's where I am at with that.

But we ended up going to sleep finally around 8. Which was a couple hours late for us.. but we still crashed none the less. J ended up waking me up around 1 so he could work on my tattoo, which came out AMAZING btw. We finished at about 6, and B and T woke up around then to.

Sooo, this is where everything went down hill. Found out midevil times upped their prices to about sixty bucks a head, and no longer offer all the alcohol you can drink.. so everyone decides to go somewhere else. fml. We ended up going to Texas de brazil. Which, if you've never been there is like NON-stop food being shoved on yer plate. Filets, ribs, lamb, sushi, bisques ..just all this food is being put on your plate by these sexy Brazilian men.. and up until this point I was on the fourth day of my fast and going strong. Until i found out this place is 50$ for your plate for the evening. FAAAAKKKK. Yeh so pretty much I am forced to eat, because I'm sure as hell not gonna pay fifty bucks to just pretend to fucking eat and not even get a jousting show out of it. Fuck that noise. So I failed. I ended my fast NOT with fruit like I should have, but with hearty ass Brazilian food instead. So once again. This fast is for nothing.

And what am I going to solve this problem? In order to not srsly fuck up my metabolism from the past two failed fasts I did in under two weeks (failed bc they werent ended properly) ..I am going to switch to intermittent fasting for two weaks before I try another water fast. Each normal day will be under 500 though, because I don't want to stop progress at all. Some how through all this I still lost four pounds though and am down to one eleven. Though im sure i will be back up two or three lbs. in the morning, once all this heavy food settles in me. =\  god it feels so awful. I feel so terrible about myself. I just want to crawl into a hole and punish myself for this. I haven't self injured in about a month, and i don't want to start counting all over again.. so I'm going to try and get through these emotions by thinking about tomorrow and not breaking out the blades. So keep me in yer thoughts and send yer good vibes my way pleeeaassee.

Now if you're still with me, thank you. Your support is what gets me through these kind of days.

<3K

closed lips, clenched fist.

..I always hate the third day of my fasts.. its the worst for physical pain. The first day is emotionally tasking, yes.. but the third day is almost unbearable.. my stomach is in knots, my limbs begin cramping uncontrollably, and my head is pounding. I feel like someone is stabbing me in my left temple repeatedly. Needless to say, it fucking sucks. I can't wait till tomorrow.. the first half of the day will be overwhelming lethargy.. and after a few cat naps.. the energetic mood will kick in, followed by complete bliss.. its I high I couldn't possibly explain with words. It's wonderful.

Today was a good day. I cuddled with my boyfriend practically all day. I love him something fierce. He's the best thing to come out of New York. Haha. That's where we met. I was living there for a couple years.. and when i finally got out of an abusive relationship I was in, we started hanging out.. and well, never stopped. But me and him left that frigid ass state a while back, traded it in for some palm trees and never looked back. But yeah, he's my world.. nothing less, possibly more.

Gawd, tomorrow's gunna be so badass. I have a 6 hour tattoo session scheduled, and then a double date to midevil times tomorrow night. The place is perfect for "eating" ..low lighting.. and countless distractions. This is very important to make it to the fifth day.. since the boyfran starts to notice after the third.. and starts threatening doctor visits on the fourth. I'm feeling great about things.

I hope all of you lovelies are staying on track too. We'll get through this together.

<3K